Joy

Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of my son’s, Byron, death.  Today I had a hard time getting out of bed.  I was thinking how for weeks and months after Byron’s death getting out of bed was a major accomplishment as was fixing meals and other menial responsibilities.  Going to the post office or grocery store was a good distraction from the constant pain.  They also reminded me that life does go on.  God’s Word, the Bible, was the life vest I clung to just to make it through each day.

Then time evolved and going to the grocery store and the post office were distractions not from the pain but from my “life vest” – God’s Word.   I never even saw it happen – it just happened.  Over time I once again became busy, busy with projects and people.  I was happy for the first time in a long time.  I was more carefree and not so laden with pain.  But I was distracted from my first love – God.  I was happy but not joyful.

Then I broke my ankle.  All the distractions went away because they had to go away.  I was once again clinging to God and His Word during the pain and the fear.  I once again developed a routine where God was the first one I met with in the morning before even getting out of bed.  For the first time in weeks that deep seated bitter sweet joy returned. 

Then once again as I was able to walk free of the knee scooter and crutches, life’s activities picked up.  My routine changed again.  I could actually now cook a dinner and make a bed and walk up and down the stairs and do laundry.  I found I now had to discipline myself to meet with God every morning.

How frustrated God must get with me but His mercy wins out because He knows me and He loves me in spite of myself.  He knows as humans we have to discipline ourselves to return to our First Love when it should come natural.  But sin has taken that naturalization away.  So we have to work at it. 

I think what is important here, is that I now realize it.  I realize how fleeting the desire for my First Love can be and I must maintain that discipline of spending time with Him daily. Only then will I know that deep down joy that survives and defies all circumstances.